Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
