turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
