Sry I called you an 8
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
