I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize