just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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