I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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