I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
