I think my fart just growled at me.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
