Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my shit smells like andre
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
