are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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