I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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