Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
