Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
