I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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