The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
