dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
