i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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