My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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