Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
