Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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