you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
