I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
