I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
