I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
