I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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