Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
