We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
