I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
