fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
her vagine was all disorganized.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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