I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
