We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
