The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This girl is more easily done than said...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
