Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
