For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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