I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
