this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We're too hungover to prance.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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