I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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