Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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