They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
