apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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