i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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