im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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