There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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