at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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