I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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