apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
They have beer where we have blood.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
