My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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