Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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