I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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