I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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