Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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