I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
