WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
