He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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