Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
