i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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