I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize