okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
