I wish I could punch you in the face.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize