my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
