My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
