That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
