well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
