my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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