kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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