something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
