Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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