so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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