I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
